Tag: narissism

What do addicts and survivors of narcissistic abuse have in common?
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What do addicts and survivors of narcissistic abuse have in common?

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This is a question I think about often because I have clients who struggle with addictions and I can really relate to some of the experiences that have been shared with me in my office.  In my humble opinion as a therapist there actually are quite a bit of similarities between us survivors and individuals suffering from addictions. At the very least I have seen them in myself.  Let me try to explain what I mean here. If you have ever been with an addict when they need their next hit or are in withdrawal you can almost feel their panic, anxiety, and sense of urgency. Depending on their level of dependency and what their addiction is, certain addicts would do almost anything to find their next fix. Once they take that drink or drug, the addict feels a sense of calm and relief and temporarily all is good in their world; however, this calm and peaceful state doesn’t last too long and before they know it, they are desperate for that next high when the substance leaves their system.  

If you are a survivor or still in a narcissistic relationship you probably know all too well the power of trauma bonding and the confusion that is caused by the cycle of love bombing, idealize, devalue and discard. Many narcissists like for us to be dependent on them either emotionally or financially so they can control, manipulate and abuse us. They are masters at creating this dependency without their victims understanding or knowing that is their goal.  The prince or princess charming act sweeps us off our feet and that mask that they showed us during the love bombing phase becomes the drug that we crave.

I know that when my narcissist would play push-pull games I would feel so confused, panicked, and anxious. I would rack my brain trying to figure out what was going on and how I could make it better. I was willing to do anything to make the relationship work and felt so dysregulated when he would suddenly disappear. This caused such disruption in my eating, sleeping and even my ability to go to work. I just didn’t feel like me!  Eventually he would come back, show me attention, give me just enough affection and I would feel that sense of relief, just like the addict does when he/she takes a hit. I would then feel hopeful that my wonderful romantic thoughtful most perfect partner (who never really existed) was back or at least on his way back…… but then the cycle would start all over again. Before I knew it, I was in another state of panic and urgency trying to get him to come back and make things better.

The more times that you go through this cycle and the more extreme differences you see from the love bombing to the discard phase, the more you are going to feel confused, panicked, and  anxious or the more you may present like an addict looking for that fix.  Just like how your body can develop a dependency on a substance, unfortunately the way the central nervous system works and the chemicals that your body releases during the cycles of narcissistic abuse, you can feel the same way about a person. Cognitively I knew that my relationship was unhealthy and that this was a self-destructive pattern but I was so deep into the trauma bond and so desperate for love and that “fix”, I kept engaging in behaviors that were bad for me again and again. 

Also, similarly to some individuals struggling with addictions I was in denial. I focused and put too much weight on how I felt when I had my narcissist and decided to ignore the chaos, pain, and problems he was causing in my life when he would disappear. My friends and family would try to intervene and tell me I needed to “quit” him but their words went in one ear and out the other. I wanted what I wanted and unfortunately that was a toxic relationship.  I just wasn’t able to think clearly because both my brain and central nervous system were offline!

Going no contact, just like quitting a substance cold turkey, is hard work and sometimes depending on your circumstances, not realistic right away. But just like with drinking or drugs, you need to quit and not use the substance anymore to kick the habit. You also need to distance yourself from people and things associated with your old “addict lifestyle”. Just like with addictions, there is so much temptation “to use” and many people relapse, just like us survivors can during hovering.

The good news is that addictions and narcissistic abuse recovery also have something important in common; these are two very treatable conditions. You do not have to stay stuck here. You can break free, get treatment, figure out the patterns and get healthy. Even if you relapse and fall off the “narcissistic survivor wagon”, you can start over and get back on. Remember to be kind to yourself if this happens.  Your central nervous system and other centres of your brain have been altered and impacted by toxic love but you can heal and become healthy……. And you will!

Jenny Tamasi, Survivor and Author of The Psychologist & Her Narcissists A Guide to Surviving Toxic Relationships

How to heal the ‘mother’ wound?
Healing

How to heal the ‘mother’ wound?

radhikab1 Comment

Most of us suffer from a ‘mother wound’. In quite simple words – this is a wound that a child feels when their mother makes them feel – ‘You are not good enough’. This feeling can happen when a child is a baby, toddler, teen or even as an adult. This wound however, doesn’t show up overtly in most people but mostly covertly, in the behaviors described below. If you recognize it yourself, then perhaps you do need to do some ancestral healing.

The cause of this feeling is co-dependency. This co-dependency certainly makes sense as an infant – because an infant is completely dependent on it’s mother for survival. But even as a child grows, parents are the main and most important mirrors for a child. Mirrors meaning they show the child his/her worth, build their ego/identity and bolster them. They are the obvious safe space for the child. This role is mostly fulfilled by a mom as stereotypically, men have not been as involved in child raising (not true in all cases, of course).

Described above is the ideal case, however, most of the time we find ourselves in not so ideal situations 🙂 A mother is often stressed, oppressed and quite frankly, totally oblivious to her internal state most of the time. She might be emotionally abusive or absent, overbearing, completely self-sacrificing with zero boundaries, projecting a lot of her fears, anxieties and complexes over her child/children, overly demanding, overly victim mindset oriented, pitting one child against another or narcissistic. Another common pattern is the mother handling down to a child, all the toxic emotion that her husband might have given her. Making the child almost like a substitute for the detached husband. Again, I would like to emphasize that not all of this happens in the real world by spoken words or actions – but energetically, and a child can sense it out – at a conscious or at a subconscious level.

In which case would a mother wound not occur? It would not occur if the mother is a completely healed and a whole human in herself, who is capable of giving real ‘unconditional love’, if not always – then most of the time. This is obviously a tall order for any human.

This ‘mother wound’ can show itself in one or more of the following ways in the child’s life :

  1. Co-dependency, excessive neediness or excessive detachment in relationships.
  2. Lack of self-worth.
  3. Poor boundaries.
  4. Self-sabotaging tendencies when meeting success in life, core negative outlook (with the internal feeling that ‘I don’t deserve this’).
  5. People pleasing tendencies.
  6. Problems with accepting love. (with the internal feeling of ‘I don’t deserve this love’).
  7. Problems trusting others who show them love (with the internal feeling that ‘What do they want from me?’).
  8. Weird sexual fantasies and fetishes (especially for male child).
  9. Fear of abandonment and intimacy issues (with the internal feeling that ‘I don’t want to depend on anyone’) This is actually repression of feminine energies in oneself – as the feminine energies remind the adult of their mother.
  10. Constant comparison with others to seek validation for ourself.
  11. Feeling of betrayal if someone we love does something against our wishes.

How then can one heal this ‘mother’ wound? I am listing some techniques below.

  1. Realize that your mother was just a human – the idea of a ‘perfect mother’ is a complete oversell by society.
  2. Realize that your mother (who might be at least 20+ years older than you) grew up in times where she was probably not shown this unditional love as well. She might not have been shown any love actually. She is probably passing on this ‘mother’ wound – of feeling worthless or not good enough to you.
  3. Realize that your mother must have been fighting her own battles in a male dominated society without the proper means to get emotional help, understanding or education. She must not have any time to heal from all the emotional wounds that she had.
  4. Start a practice of self-love. If your mother did or does not love you unconditionally – then you do it. Love yourself unconditionally. If you have a mother who points out all of your so-called ‘flaws’ (physical or personality based), then realize that you have the power to LOVE your so-called ‘flaws’ and own them completely as a part of yourself.
  5. Energetic cord cutting and aura cleansing might also help.
  6. Hypnotherapy and childhood regression might also be helpful.
  7. Psychotherapy is also helpful.
  8. Chakras affected by this are – root chakra (Muladhar chakra), sacral chakra (Svadhishtan chakra), solar plexus chakra (Manipur chakra) and heart chakra (Anahata chakra). Work on healing these chakras.
  9. Get comfortable with your feminine energies of ‘being’, loving, kindness, waiting, praying, etc.

Hope this helps! Wish you all a lot of love and light 🙂